It has been a ride.
I am currently 7 months into intern year for my internal medicine residency and I am somehow simultaneously thriving and not thriving AT ALL. It is an interesting combination.
I am currently freaking out about step 3. I don’t feel as prepared as I did for step two and it is coming up fast and we all know how step 1 went and I just cannot afford that right now.
On the flip side, I am doing really well–and I mean really well intern year. Sometimes it is uncomfortable (or we pretend it is) to toot your own horn but I know how hard I worked for this. How I worked to the bone, sacrificing EVERYTHING for this. And to see email after email from people I’ve worked with just full of positive feedback and praise and recognition–and for them to send those emails to my program director? It’s just like validation in a time where I’m full of imposter syndrome but also somehow definitely feel like I got the hang of it now?
As I said. An interesting combination.
I am so fulfilled career wise. I go to work every day excited to do what I do. Like I feel like I made the right decision, I love my job, I love my co-residents and I’m beginning to like my new city too.
On the flip side. I am so tired. Like I have never been more tired in my life. How are people even able to be empathetic and kind to patients when they are THIS. TIRED. I didn’t even know it was possible to be more tired than I was in med school. I DIDN’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT. They work us too hard. For the love of God I just want TWO DAYS OFF IN A ROW. If I get another page in the middle of the night about a diet order I just might scream. And when is my vacation? I NEED MORE VACATION THAN THIS! I am so excited to go home. My home city is way better than this new city. I am so ready to go on vacation. Have my old friends forgotten about me?! Probably. Because they’re all dying in residency too. How is it that i’m getting paid but I am somehow more poor than i was before?!
See what I mean? Internship is a volatile time emotionally.
On top of all this I am also dating? For about five months I have been seeing this guy but it’s such an undefined relationship it’s now starting to give me some stress. And I do not have time for undefined relationships. I am 26. I am training to be a physician. I have approximately like four hours of time a week available for socializing outside the medicine realm. I do want to get married and have a single (multiple kids are too expensive gtfo) child one day. Tick mother fucking tock. I do not have time for this nonsense. So I’m working on that too; either we’re together or buh-bye so I can spend my four hours a week on hinge and CMB because I don’t have time to meet people like a normal person.
So that’s the update. I love everything. I hate everything. I am thrilled and I am way too tired. I’m happy in my “relationship” and annoyed about it too.
And I am 100% okay with that.